Realizations in the middle of the day

This last few weeks have been utterly stressful for me. It made me feel completely powerless and I just want to curl up and cry. 
* I want to provide my family with luxuries they have never experienced before

* I want to study but am unsure if I am qualified for a scholarship (I seriously want to learn but have no means, financially speaking, to pursue it) and besides there are a lot of people more qualified than I am. A lot better than I am.. 

* I want to travel but don’t have the means. 

* I applied for a promotion but was rejected because I was deemed unqualified (this makes me feel inadequate as well thinking maybe that if I was more charismatic and not awkward and strange, maybe they would have given it to me)

* I applied for a part time job (in order to get additional money to achieve the 1st three goals) and did not get it due to lack of preparedness and sensitivity to the needs of the clients (as was mentioned by the evaluator) *I knew from the start that I was babbling on during the interview*. 

* I applied for a loan (because I did not get the part time job) which was rejected because I had such a low income. They seemed to think I wouldn’t be able to pay.
Growing up, I was always scared of failure. I knew I was average. Unlike my peers (they were either smart or sociable and likable in general), I was introverted, insecure and awkward. I had weird hobbies and interests (in truth, during my teenage days, I prefer reading and watching anime). I prefer being alone or in the company of my few (but wonderful) friends. 

Until now, I am already an adult, I have very low self esteem, I am insecure and think that I am not good enough. Not smart enough. Not likeable, at all. And most of all, I have never made much of an impact in anyone I know. Ask my classmates from college who I am and they’ll probably have vague recollections of me unlike how they remember my friends (they remember my friends fondly and even tag them in invites whereas I have been left forgotten). 

I keep doubting myself and my choices because I have always listened to my elders and when I actually decide something I am overcome with what ifs and anxiety because in my experience, when I decide to do something, everything ends up in either failure or someone else doing something a lot better than what I did. There is always a better version.

I keep trying to tell myself to just STOP THINKING AND JUST DO IT but I can’t just stop worrying over it. I want to do something then I’ll think of the financial constraints of achieving what I want to do. I am so envious of other people who can just up and do what they want because they can and are able to afford it. 

These past few weeks have just engraved on my mind how pathetic my existence is. I feel sorry for my parents who were there when all those things happened and they want to help me but cannot do so. I pretend to smile but I know they are feeling down as well because they are powerless to help me. 

I admit I am lucky. I am lucky to have my family and friends, whom are healthy and with me. I am lucky to have three (sometimes more) meals a day. I am lucky to have a roof above my head and clothes to wear. I am lucky to have such privileges in contrast to other people who struggle to get it. But is it bad of me to want more in life. I can’t help but look over the fence and see how easy it is for other people to get what they want. How it comes so easily to them. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was born with a silver spoon? 

When I was younger, money never really mattered to me. But now that I’m older, I realized that there really is such a distinct difference between being poor and being rich. There will always be more opportunities available to those who have power or money. It makes me think how we’re all just kidding ourselves because at the end of the day, no matter how hard you work, someone else will always get the benefits easily. 

How do other people handle such realizations? 


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