Ever since I was young, I have always felt constrained. It felt like I couldn’t do anything I wanted or learn anything new and interesting. I had to follow the status quo set by my parents, my teachers and my peers. I had to have good grades and be a model student but never exceed expectations; just in-between average and above average. I wasn’t allowed to join clubs (for it might interfere with my studies) and I wasn’t allowed to attend camps or overnight activities (because it was dangerous at night) It always felt like I was stuffed into a metal cage, a cage moulded into the shape of your typical normal person stopping my development early. My growth and development felt like it was stunted, like I was forced to comply with the norm. Now, I wonder if I would have been a completely different person if I wasn’t so sheltered and limited. Until now it still feels wrong.
Right now, my mind is screaming for me to become part of something great, to do something good for the world. Yet fear has been instilled in me. Fear of setting out for something that’s never been done before. Because I have never excelled yet I have never failed. I have never attempted to do something out of the norm. Everything was a constant of average for me. For someone with big dreams and ideas but even bigger fears and anxiety, it feels like my life has no worth because I’m too paralyzed by fear to move forward.
I lash out at people because I think it’s unfair that they had a chance to grow while I was forced to blend in. And I put blame on everyone else even though it really is my fault for actually listening and believing them.
And because of this excessive average-ness, I slip by unnoticed to people. They evetually forget me. And even my family sometimes forget that I’m just in my room.
My life is not worth remembering. I as a person do not have much impact on others, enough for them to remember me by. I’ll always be just someone they met, someone they had classes with and so on.
Sometimes I’ve thought of ending it all. My life is not worth living because I’m just going through the motions of being alive. But then I think of my family and friends. They’ll be sad and they’ll mourn me. Then I’ll think they’ll be able to move on one day even if I’m gone.
But my biggest fear of ending it all, is because deep down I’m still hoping for something in my life to change. Something that will make me think that something will finally happen that will make me thing, “this is right”. And with this tiny speck of hope, it triggers my fear for ending it. Because I know for a fact that if I make an attempt, it will really be the end. Because no one will find me on time for me to realize that that hope will become reality one day.