Forever alone

I’m usually one to commit lies of ommission. I don’t tell the whole truth or sometimes I twist the truth to my advantage. But I avoid lying outright. To say something not real or made up to cover up the truth, yeah, well that’s just not me. And I try to live a lifestyle of not being a hypocrite. I been lied to a lot (by both family and friends alike) so I know not to trust people at face value. Some of it might just be white lies, some of it are because they’re acting hypocritical (which is why over the years I’ve come to have trust issues) but it does pile up.

Now, I’ve always been open about my sexuality. So far no man or woman, or anyone for that matter has ever attracted me enough (and no one has been attracted to me either) to make me want to enter a relationship (although there was this one guy a few years back whom I really wanted to like me romantically and I wanted his attention but I hated his guts so very much; I was really confused about why I wanted to be with him). Celebrities, I daydream about a little, because damn, they’re really attractive. But I usually feel more in love with the characters they play. Anyways, I’ve always been completely honest about my sexuality or lack thereof. I don’t find anyone attractive, physically or sexually. I don’t know if I’m truly asexual or if I just haven’t met “the one”. And I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m ugly and have a terrible personality (it alternates between cute, shy, childlike to a cold-hearted, emotionless bitch, depends on who you ask really) because no one has ever been attracted to me either or at least no one has tried to ask me out. And that’s fine with me. Because I kinda feel like relatioships are such a burden. I have trouble contacting my family and friends what more if I have a significant other? But my point is this, I’ve been completely honest about never having a romantic relationship before. In my whole few decades in this world I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend.
And I meet people over the years who tell me that they’ve never been in a relationship before and I’m happy. I’m happy to know that I’m probably not alone for being this weird or abnormal person; in having no interest in anyone and having no one interested in me. I now had friends in the same boat and rejoicing our single status together.
Fast forward to a few years and I find out that one of them is in a relationship before we even met, one is in a relationship they established sometime during our friendship and the other has been dating but not yet putting a label on their relationship.
I was happy they trusted me enough to tell me after all these years. Happy for them to have found someone to stand by them and love them romantically.
But at the end of the day, I felt foolish. I was the only one who was happy being single. I still am the only weird one for never having a relationship despite being this old.
It made me feel alone.
I keep wondering what’s wrong with me? Why is it that nobody finds me attractive enough? I’m the only one that’s like this so there must be something wrong with me.
Turns out everything is just a little white lie.


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